#artists i look up to that i never look back at all the progress ive made and all that i have learned

[ozymoron]

hate when im reminded im actually talented and that most people cant draw the kind of shit i can draw and that its actually kinda incredible i can do what i can do and that im just so used to being in art spaces that i forget its a genuine skill most people dont have

[oooocleo]

👀 Hullo there

I just wanted to stop by to- for one- tell you that your art is absolutely beautiful! You have such a fluidity and waterlike quality to all of your drawings, they remind me of single frames from old school Disney, like they should start dancing around my screen at any second.

I was wondering, (I'm sorry if it's annoying, you probably get this kind of question a Lot 😭) how long did it take you to get where you're at? Or- how long did it take you before you were satisfied with your artistic quality? I'm a baby artist (if you could count me as such, I started last week 😭) and I know it's gonna take me probably 5+ years to get where I want, but I can't help the insatiable curiosity

Oke das all thank u I wish u nothing but boundless inspiration and perfect ellipses on the first try

hmmmmm! im in my late twenties now and have been drawing on and off since primary school (tho i had a big gap in middle/high school before picking it up again a few yrs into uni) and can only say that i only got to Some sense of satisfaction a few yrs back, which coincided with going fulltime freelance and Drawing A Ton All The Time because of that (paired w/ the external validation of having folks wanting to pay for my work)

i also became more conscious of what demotivates me when it comes to art, being comparing myself to others mainly, and am now usually able to nip that in the bud before i go into a wild death spiral lol.......... i dont know that ull ever be completely satisfied & thats fine, as long as it doesnt stop u from trying again 🤔

i always say to beginner artists that if u can help it, really try to keep the *process* fun for urself, whatever that looks like - dont think abt how marketable it is or how many likes or whatever u get, bc when ur just starting out that stuff is just going to make u feel bad

when u think about what u want it to look like in the future dont beat urself up if it feels like ur not getting closer - tbh, by the time 5 yrs have passed what u want from ur art might be really different from what ur thinking now & thats All Good Babey

hmm what else... it might be interesting to know that ive never taken any formal art education/classes besides middle sql 'drawing' - i think that shows in certain aspects of my work (perspective LOL) and potentially slowed down my progress but personally when i find artists i Really Like and that stick out to me theyre usually also self taught!!

[premium-value]

this is not goodbye by Premium Value

i started making vaporwave in 2020 because ive loved vaporwave for a long time and it occurred to me that it seemed easy to get into just for fun. it was an easy creative outlet during the worst of covid, and it kept being satisfying. looking back a lot of the stuff i made early on was crap but it was still fun. in late 2021 i got reached out to for an opportunity to have one of my albums featured on this new digital label along with a release on cassette which id get a cut of. i had to make some adjustments which resulted in it eventually being a double-album feature to make it feel substantial enough, but i was really excited. essentially over the course of the next year and a half barely any progress was made on their end, id get very little communication, and while that was happening they were still releasing other albums from other artists. this sucked big time. i eventually got fed up and told them i was out, to which they responded seemingly in earnest, but it felt hollow and like they were trying to make amends far too late to save face. this year and a half led to me making probably some of my best stuff, but it was also the beginning of the end. i was running out of ideas. it wasnt until this year when i really started losing steam, both running out of ideas and motivation. again the stuff i have made this year is among my favorite releases, but lets be real including this i only released 4 completely original albums, 1 expanded re-release and one triple album re-release with just a handful of new songs. it feels like every new release i really have to strain to come up with stuff, let alone try and put it all in a cohesive album concept. when i started, up until early 2022, i was releasing an album every month. i was throwing everything i could at it, and then with the label deal sitting around and me burning through my ideas i finally slowed down to an album every other month. this year there were more and more gaps as i allowed myself some room to breathe and come up with stuff. and it was around the middle of the year when i finally cut my ties with that group and that label. if youre a part of that label and you see this and you figure out this is about you, just keep it to yourself. no drama, not necessarily any bad blood, it just sucked and im done with that part of my life. im now officially giving up on any official obligation to regularly make vaporwave. it served me as a huge passion while it lasted, and it is still fun to make stuff when it comes out good, but its just so much harder now. so maybe ill make another album next month, or the month after. maybe ill make another album in 3 months. maybe 6. maybe a year. maybe 5 years. maybe never. i dunno, i leave that up to future me. i still love vaporwave and id love to have more ideas. maybe i need to explore more rabbit holes of music to inspire me. maybe i need to explore making original music more. who knows. to sum up, this is not goodbye. it's "ill see you when i see you." so ill see you. love you. 

track list:

feeling - 6:46

Say You Love Me - 4:02

Talk to Me - 2:30

does he know - 6:34

感情 - 5:27

this is not goodbye - 3:26

released december 4th, 2023

all sample credits included on bandcamp page

[localcryptidsteg]

Tracing, Style Theft, and the need to be Unique

A comment chain on Instagram got me thinking about these things earlier. Someone asked what common art advice is actually bad advice, and I left a short list that Ive heard, among which is "dont trace."

Naturally, this ruffled some feathers, but heres the deal: so long as you arent line-for-line copying the majority of someone elses work and passing it off as yours? Theres absolutely nothing wrong with tracing. Copying and tracing are two different things; think back to the old "how to draw" books. How they blocked out anatomy and taught you the relative distance of things with lines and joints. Tracing... is essentially doing the same thing. As a learning tool for personal use, being able to take a picture and draw the skeletal frame over it helps you with perpesctive and anatomy immensely! It even helps in stylization. Tracing develops the skills you need in order to replicate something, replication develops the skills you need in order to stylize.

Which brings us to our next issue.... style theft isnt a thing. It doesnt exist. Unless youre forging paintings and passing them off as the real deal, there is absolutely zero reason not to look at the techniques and stylization your favorite artists use and replicate that. Again, it helps you develop skills like shading and coloring and lineart. And having your own "style"? One that has to be completely different from anyone elses? Thats bullshit! Most artists dont just have ONE style. The best artists have several and go out of their way to continue learning more!

Think of it this way: we wouldnt have 2d animation if actual artists gave a flying fuck about their "style" being copied. The Renaissance artists would never have risen to prominence if their teachers hadnt sat them down and told to paint how they did. Bob Ross would never have had a tv show if mimicking how someone else creates mattered in any way at all.

The way you develop your own style is simply this: you look at your favorite artists, you analyze what elements of their work make your brain happy and what are enjoyable for you to do, you mash them all together and voila. Your very own (not really at all) "unique" style.

I think this frankly terrible and counterintuitive art advice trend is killing artists. When you go online as an artist and preach to a bunch of younger aspiring artists that invaluable tools for growth are inherently bad and wrong and theyre evil for using them, you do three things at once:

First, you make them fear creation. "I want to draw or sculpt or knit or what have you, but what if I accidentally copy someone? Then Id be a bad person!"

Second: you kill the joy of creation. They become too focused on the end result and never really learn how to make for the sake of making.

Third: you block their avenues of progress. In order to get better at your craft, you really do have to try everything. Trying to make certain techniques into something "off limits" only serves to hinder that progression. It causes stagnation which in turn causes frustration, which leads us back to issue 2.

When I was a kid, my grandma would drive two hours to my city every year for my birthday, and every year she would take me to the art museum. My grandma loved art with every fiber of her being. She was thrilled when my mom went to art school. She was estatic when my sibling and I took up drawing. But she never, EVER tried to make anything herself. See, when she was in school, her art teacher had told her she wasnt very good. And she, being a kid, believed it. And she stopped trying. She would never color with me and my sibling, would never try drawing with us when we begged her to join in. Shed chuckle and say "oh, I couldnt draw a straight line with a ruler!" And sit and watch us work and rave over how good we were at it instead.

When she hit about 80 or so, her memory started going. But she still loved the museum and she still loved art. One of my aunts talked her into taking one of those "how to paint" classes at a little studio near her house. She painted a cake. And you know what? It was a really friggin good painting! Itd be hanging in my room right now if my aunt hadnt called dibs!

My point is this: anyone of any skill level can learn to draw or paint or whatever. Im a major proponent of this; I always have been. But shaming creatives for how they do it, for how they learn it, for what they make? That destroys the drive to create, and it can last a lifetime. Who knows what my grandma could have made if not for that teacher? Who knows how many young artists felt nothing but shame and guilt over their work and quit because of bad-faith art advice?

[natsmagi]

Do you ever feel bad about your art? I've tried drawing before, but it never looked good so I just quit

OUGH SOMETIMES TBH....... though id kinda say thats part of the drawing process 💔💔

for me theres two types of "feeling bad" abt my art; the first being more imposter syndrome-y where i just kinda feel guilty over the amount of recognition i get when theres so many artists that i think are better and deserve it more than i do and other things along that line

the second one (and probably more universal) is, ofc, the feeling that ur art kinda sucks sometimes. honestly its very rare for a drawing to turn out the way i had originally envisioned because i simply do not have the skills to pull it off, which sucks!! and honestly, alot of the time i just try pushing through despite me hating the way the drawing looks. usually ill still post it even if i hate it, because in a way i think its kinda important to let myself be bad at art, and my blog was never meant to be used as a portfolio anyway, so why not post the things im less proud of aswell? especially since the communities im part of are rather niche, and i feel as though even if the quality is bad, someone might still be happy to see it!

so i let myself not be perfect with my art, as i feel being stuck on the same piece is only going to stagnate my growth and make me frustrated. not to mention the drawing usually only ends up looking Worse the more i try to fix it, and me posting a drawing is basically me putting a full stop to working on the drawing, forcing me to move on to something else and try again

art doesnt always look good!! and it most DEFINITELY is never perfect, but i also kinda find beauty in that yknow?? especially when uve been drawing for a while, its always fun to look back and see ur progress! its fun to see ur missteps and how u managed to improve! ive mentioned it before, but the sole reason i even created this account was so that i Would improve my art. i didnt really have much going on so i thought id genuinely try my hands at art again, which i had grown less passionate about the years prior. this blog is me sharing what ive created, no matter how amateurish it is, no matter my ups and downs, because i believe that will help me grow in the end! ive posted numerous attempts at various styles (moreso rendering styles) to see what i think suits me and what i find most pleasure in, aswell as my art style in general being rather stylized (the simplistic faces for example), figuring out what ways of drawing made me happy and what didnt through trial and error!

the first step is always the hardest, but its better than no step at all! so if you wanna draw, just go for it! its ok for it to look bad! keep trying various styles and methods until you find one that makes you happy!! its ok to be inconsistent!!

[becomingpotatoes]

my opinions on the project sekai redesigns

our kids are growing up and entering a new year in high school, which means that they now have completely new designs because thats how idol gacha rhythm games work!!! woo!! and i have Thoughts

im gonna talk about my opinions on all the redesigns from least to most favorite. note that these are not my rankings of the groups themselves lol, thatd be

vbs -> n25 -> mmj & l/n (they’re tied for second) -> wxs

(from least to most favorite)

#5 - MORE MORE JUMP!

ohhh my sweet girls, my precious girls, what did they Do to you.

the blue looks So bad on them. it clashes with minori and airi and feels too samey with shizu and haru. i like their shoes, tho, and i like how airi keeps her trend of her outfit straying just a little bit from the norm.

these outfits just feel so boring and lifeless, compared to their og ones that had a lot more personality and a lot more charm. i dont think the dresses themselves are ugly, in fact i find them quite pretty, but i dont think they suit the girls very well.

also what the fuck is miku wearing lmao (i like her hairstyle tho)

i like all the girls hair accessories tho they’re cute

i hate ranking them last because i love mmj so much but yeah im very disappointed and i honestly prefer their canon outfits that they wear while performing not in the sekai (the ones that their fans helped design in the metamo re:born event that i forgot the name of)

#4 - Leo/need

firstly i wanna say im so happy that honami gets to be pictured with her instrument like the others, and i really like how they positioned saki’s keyboard

i dont hate these designs!! i quite like them actually. they seem more unified and professional, which fits because leo/need is SIGNED with an AGENCY now oh yeah im so proud of them

im sad that ichikas wearing her tie now rip ichikas tie around her wrist you will be missed by me and me only

i really like their new outfits!! the girls look and feel older. im not really vibing with the shade of gray used tho, i wish their uniforms were black or white or a different shade of gray. i also love the pins and buttons on mikus jacket (i actually prefer the shade of gray on the jacket why couldnt the leoneeders be dressed in that shade)

#3 - Wonderlands x Showtime

#ruiturnaround #FREETSUKASAFROMTHEFLAG

mizuki POPPED OFF with these designs (assuming they made them again)

i really love wondershos new look, i just like the other two groups better. nene’s in particular is my favorite (but im biased). i love how professional they look, these new outfits really display this new step that the kids are taking into the world of theatre

so proud for rui for comjng out as nb can he turn around now my artist friends are crying

i adore all of these designs they’re so cute and fun and i really love the new vibe for wondersho as of recently. it seems like colorpale and the fandom are taking them so much more seriously

#2 - Nightcord at 25:00

KANADE HAS BEEN FREED FROM THE CHAIR (but now miku has it. lol.)

guys. guys the - the symbolism. their dresses progress from pure black to gray showing how they’re slowly healing and bettering themselves and miku’s hair is begining to regain its green and the kids have different flowers that have symbolism that other people know way bettee then mine but MAFUYU’S IVY MOTIF AND ENAS NARCISSUS MOTIF ARE BACK BABY real missed chance to give kanade carnations tho. i dont have much to say but WOW i love the new look for the nightcords and i think they’re stunning. will accept zero hate for these guys they look great

also miku has shoes!!!! yes!!!!

#1 - Vivid BAD SQUAD

yeah, i was surprised too at how much i like the vbs designs

i like vbs, sure, but they’ve always been the group that has piqued my interest the least. and ive never been super keen on the designs of the characters

but these designs??? i really like them. a lot. it feels like the kids are really coming into their own, with kohane and toya finding their personal styles, akito refining his, and an paying homage to nagi in hers. they’re becoming the young adult creators and musicians that they’re striving to be. i can really see vbs’s growth in their new designs, and i hope that i can grow to really love them and their story : D

(also mikus design is kind of. all over the place. lmao but i kinda love it)

[dailycass-cain]

2022 Year in Review

2022 was a fascinating year for the character of Cassandra Cain. Like the years prior, the year built off creators who do adore the character. So let's look back at 2022 for Cass.

To start this was the first complete year that the character had an ongoing shared with two other characters in Batgirls. While the covers have been utter gold the story themselves has been divided the fanbase with the portrayal of the three Batgirls involved.

For me, my problems with the book is just the way to incoporate Babs into the series. Make her being Batgirl anytime in the series a MOMENT. Let her flourish as Oracle more here while allowing new fans to open to Cass/Steph as the Batgirls.

Cass has been somewhat coincidental with a character arc compared to say Steph/Babs. She continues to make strides trying to overcome her reading disability (thanks to Basil and Babs).

In truth, the only real hiccup for her character progression was this month's issue (#13) with Lady Shiva. The relationship between the two is always complicated. However, I feel it's forgotten the reasons why Cass/Steph bonded so well together. Their fathers are both monsters.

Lady Shiva and Cass is untapped potential. Instead of the usual "murder mom" cliche tropes that we see with Red Arrow/Shado, Lian/Cheshire, and Talia/Damian I truly feel there is an opening here for the two to be different and respective toward one another.

Likewise, Shiva escaping the trap of being stuck in this dragonlady trope she's been stuck in since the 90s (with Simone, Rucka, Puckett, Hill, and Taylor) being the few who broke those shackles put upon the character.

That is why I hope for 2023 that DC doesn't falter into this simplistic trap. Going for the "troubled" story with the character in Hush along with Young Justice. Focusing on this monster not digging into the layers this character has to give.

That said, Batgirls while having a bumpy start really got going with #9. The writers felt more comfortable with all the characters involved and it wasn't burden to any of the trio.

All I ask for 2023 is ironing out the rogues the Batgirls creators give a few more pathos along with a better motives to for the evils that they do to the city. I feel there's still potential for some of these newbies.

But in truth I want the return of this bastard. David Cain needs to return. While I did love the dimensions he had in Batgirl Vol. 1. I feel maybe a leap into some hard villainy is needed for the character. A fear of him going "soft" due to accidentally loving his daughter.

Or continue on with a "twisted" variant of his love for Cass theme. Something at least.

While Batgirls was middling, Cass found better more memorable appearances outside said ongoing in other places. Some more surprising then others.

I think the two biggest places of these was in Joker ongoing by James Tynion IV that concluded this year and Batman One Bad Day: Two-Face #1.

Both characterizations gave us a more mature Cass (if the younger version in Batgirls scared off longtime readers). One could feel the more "everything is canon" pathos DC started in 2020 with these appearances of Cass here.

This is a Cass that you know can drop someone easily and holds back purposely. She's scary, and it's nice seeing her interacting with characters she hasn't (in canon) for years.

In truth though writer Mariko Tamaki spent most of 2022 shoe-horning Cass into anything Bat-related she wrote this year. I'm enterally 🙏for th at.

Continuing off the story she wrote of the character in 2021's DC Festival of Heroes: The Asian Superhero Celebration #1.

Tamaki shows in the various appearances (mostly Tec) how she gets Cass (even if it was kind of funny seeing artists drawing various forms of Cass's costume in these issues).

But these weren't the only places Cass showed up in. She was in the "old stand bys" Batman, Nightwing, Robin (Damian and Tim's), and Batman: Urban Legends (never forgetting that page. NEVER because it has many layers to it).

But we had other places you'd never expect Cass in. We had her in the Flash (I still can't believe we got that) and--- SCOOBY DOO?!

Yeah, that is something I wasn't expecting. 😮

But these are nice fun little appearances. Though I feel her biggest "guest spot" other than Batman was here. Which allowed many answers to Jason being the "greatest fighter" of the Bat-Family from Task Force Z.

Though personally I found the appearance "alright". Nothing like Tamaki or Tynion's.

But that was all the tip of the Cass iceberg as she appeared in stuff outside the main comics too. DCeased continues to be a place where I never thought in my wildest imaginations I ever see a Cass like this. Nor ever getting a solo cover of the character (coming next month).

Dark Knights of Steel was the sneakiest Cass appearance ever as I didn't even realize it until someone said, "No she's in the issue." Tom Taylor is such a sneak cause we all now are hype for when she's gonna cut loose.

Then there's Batman: Wayne Family Adventures which gives us SOOO much Cass and an absolute BANGER of a story arc with the character earlier this year.

Probably the most disappointing multiverse Cass appearance was DC vs. Vampires. It started off strong making you think (oh hey Cass has a role in this and OH SHE'S ALIVE) before the second half came in July and whatever progress we had earlier fell off.

But I'll be frank, while DC vs. Vampires was disappointing it was nowhere near the car crash that was Future State Gotham #15-18, which concluded it's alternate future story of Gotham.

This story was a dumpster fire. Probably the worst Batman story of the year and I feel like only a few of us know of its crazy ass tale it gave us. I'm still in shock how everyone was wasted in this ongoing save Jason and Talia.

Jace the freaking co-star of this ongoing comic did NOTHING in that final arc save job and hard to everyone.  Everyone else in the family was equally was a waste and-- if you didn't hate Dick Grayson in Batgirls #7-8 you'll loathe him so much here.

Literally me the entire time reading this arc on Dick.

Quite possibly one of the worst stories Cass was ever involved in. I hate it was so utterly predictable in that regard for her entire appearance in the story.

Then there's the real surprise. The surprise NO ONE saw coming. Bat Wheels. Cassandra Cain is in another cartoon. One aimed at an even younger audience.

Though her costume has allusions to Babs and is kidified. The character is there. We haven't gotten much with the character (three episodes), but she's something else when on.

Some have said she isn't Cass, but other than the costume you can't really say much else because there isn't much layers to the character here save girl teen. But the last episode she appeared in facing off against Harley.

There was a tease to the Batgirl moniker being a legacy role and Cass wasn't living up to snuff. It got under her skin (much like the entire episode Bibi was bullied by Jestah).

Both overcoming the bullying.  It was a really fun episode. I truly hope for a bit more Bibi centric episodes cause that means more Cass. 😋

Young Justice also had Cass but felt more padding characterization that should've been there to begin with. Such as this version of Cass knowing sign language to talk now.

Likewise on the actual show she appeared at Conner/M'ggan's wedding with Babs and okay, if we have a Season 5 she's gotta be Batgirl in it right? RIGHT?!

But yeah, I kind of wish we got the sign language knowledge in her arc from last year. But again, those episodes were stacked, but again that could've saved Artemis some time yelling at Cass's motives in part 2.

All and all, this was another stellar year for Cass. I think the only real "bumps" was #7-8 in Batgirls, Future State: Gotham (which most forgot but I will NEVER FORGET), and DC vs. Vampires being so-- lackluster.

Other than that we got MORE Cass merch with TWO official shirts celebrating AAPI (Audrey Mok for Batgirls aka the pic I started this all with and Jen Bartel on Nightwing).

NOW... If only 2023 gave us some figures or statues. *glares at McFarlane*

And so... #CAINAISSANCE2022 ends with hope. Here's to #CAINAISSANCE2023 continuing the highs started three years ago. So far, it appears we will. Batgirls #14 next month (Cass focused silent issue) and so much more to come it seems.

[hearthandheathenry]

Hmm, it's not really a big thing, but I think I like writing, but my language is not really advanced, but I have good ideas… I like solving psychological problems and solving puzzles, even though I'm not that good… I like singing… I like cooking sometimes… not a lot, but I think These hobbies have nothing to do with the major I may pursue at university.

These are all great things you can incorporate into helping people or making a difference!

With writing, you can idea-pitch, write inspiring stories, or write articles or blogs about bringing attention to something or a cause. Maybe you want to spread awareness about something or educate others. Take my blog posts about cost-savings with groceries for example, I had an issue with how to save money while eating healthy and I researched and shared my findings to try to help others. Or maybe you just want to write fun novels that others may find comfort in while connecting to your story or characters. Maybe you like poetry and you'll move people with your words and express things they cannot.

Singing is also wonderful! Maybe you can create your own music or collaborate with other artists. There's many who have inspiring works where they can express deep emotions or other things while singing and songwriting.

Perhaps your love of cooking will blossom and you'll learn ways to help people via food. Maybe it'll be meal-planning for the elderly, working in a soup kitchen, or simply finding ways to feed your loved ones. Like because of my continued learning with cooking and my grocery savings, Ive started bringing food to my elderly aunt while she was recovering from back surgery. It helped her tremendously and I felt good that she could eat well and healthy while recovering.

Maybe instead of focusing on the job your major will bring you, focus on the skills you're learning at university. I learned a lot of psychology, nursing, science, and writing while I was at school, I learned how to collaborate with others and manage projects. Those are all skills I use in my career and everyday life, even though I don't have an official degree. So check out those skills your learning and honing to help think of more possible future routes, rather than trying to narrow it down to one specific job/career. Like I know my skillset and what im interested in falls in the customer service industry mixed with animals. So jobs that fill those two roles tend to be enjoyable to me and it leaves the door open to new opportunities and roles I wouldn't have thought to go to. Whats meant to be will always find a way, and things that are meant to be will happen so coincidentally that its funny. You'll literally look back and laugh at how things worked out. We never know where we're at in our journey, but we always end up finding our way in the end. Thats why hindsight is 2020 and why people continually progress even if they felt like they havent. The universe is always working to align you with where youre meant to be at any given time. So just do your best to steer your journey day by day by making small choices that feel right to you in the moment. Learn to trust your intuition and instincts.

[yakeisoda]

Hello, just wanna start this off by saying that I love your art. I've decided to ask my favourite artists for art tips as I wanna get into it, but no matter what I do it never looks right. So, any tips?

HELLO TYSM!!! ngl i dont think im the best 4 this question im also kinda in a rut rn where im not really satisfied w my art n craving more progress and improvement but im getting there somewhat but very slowly! (ive been this way for a rly long time naow) this might be long but im gna try n throw in the things ik, sorry if my thoughts r messy im not the best in articulating stuff :')

i think a good way to start off is to find out what skill you lack the most or what you want to improve the most on, say for ex: u wna focus on getting better at composition for illustrations, then a good way to improve them is to learn about the composition rules (ex: rule of 3rds, etc), look for any scenes in films/animation or photographies and storybooks , study them and recreate it! go crazy !! ive done a study on a friend's picture before, and have asked my friends if i can use their photographies as practice!

looking for inspiration will also improve ur visual library, they can help u find what u wna put in ur art ! like perhaps certain color palettes or styles, it's best to look at different mediums of art instead of focusing only on one, sometimes u can find techniques meant 4 u! (ex: of this is my friend who used to be a watercolor artist, ive observed them using watercolor techniques when they were still new to digital art! basically mix n match whatever feels good/convenient 4 u :] )

disciplining urself is also good to have more improvement! i have trouble w this the most ever since bc its hard 2 focus if no one is like there to monitor u (in my experience), if u rly wna make progress u have to squeeze in some art practice time in ur schedule, it can be around 15-30 mins or even 3 hrs, completely up to you! (rmb to take breaks!). you can give urself deadlines if that will help n maybe timers too!

my prof always said "Proper practice makes perfect", so it's also best to practice with a clear goal in mind, take notes on the things u lack and if ur watching any art tutorials/speedpaints, take notes of those too! it's good to have something specific in mind so u wont get lost n u wud know what u wna do! it helps u retain info as well so u can look back on stuff, to avoid overwhelming urself u can just focus on small bits first, ex: in anatomy, u can focus on the head area first, break it down to drawing eyes and noses, etc! then u can move onto the torso area!

USE REFS!!!! make use of pinterest or any other refs u can find, cannot stress this enuf go crazyyy w references, make a moodboard full of referencess n go crazzyy w them!! i used to not like doing this bc i just head straight in to drawing bc thats what i was used to but art college trained me 2 use refs bc they help so very much, theyre like ur guideline for what u wna make so u have a clear goal in mind, also photobashing seems like a great practice too never tried it but yes it can help when ur planning an illustration/concept art!

^above also applies to art styles! go crazy n experiment w them!! i think its so very fun to explore diff art styles n not stick to 1, again this depends on u but having a different range of artworks is rly fun, u can go from very pastel soft colors n style, to smth very vibrant n sharp, to smth like dark n chalky-sketchy kind of vibe if im making sense T__T, basically go wild!! go crazy!! dont let urself sit in 1 box! hop into other boxes !! or wear all of them!! or poke holes in the box n add stuff to the box or wear a circle!! trust me it looks so fun if u put different artworks uve made side by side n go wow i did that!!

also create small thumbnails 4 illustration! its really best to plan ahead art too, as i said i used to just head straight in n not plan but ive learned to absolutely enjoy planning making art! collecting refs n seeing what kind of composition goes n what colors wud work is so very fun actually! it rly helps a lot

theres also this one post i lost the link, but basically it shows how much progress u can make if u make loose sketches vs full on rendered illustrations vs a mix of both, again this depends entirely on u bc things r different for everyone! i think that post is really good for teaching abt art progress (if any1 knows where it is pls do link!), i think focusing on sketches n practice is better tho bc it helps u draw more freely n loosely! i think that speeds up ur process more as well n doesnt make u lose interest immediately compared 2 focusing on finishing 1 big rendered illust (talking from experience) but then again its different for every1 so honestly just experiment n see what feels right for u!

i wna say tho that although it is good to make sure ur drawing looks right its also good to just let yourself draw freely, i think what matters is that u understood the structures of something and as long as ur able to apply that in ur own way i think thats gud! i think drawing freely helps u draw more fluidly? like having more expression is what i mean. ive gotten into the "i have 2 make this look right" hole before n i noticed it made my art look stiff, so highlyy recommend doing gesture drawing n life studies! rmb to have fun when practicing n learning,

dont pressure urself too much! enjoy the experience :] ! messy sketches r good!! not everything has to look good or perfect! my sketchbooks from way back were just doodles, pencil sketches no color mostly, theres an occasional lined one w markers , ballpen, n some highlighters, n my drawings were either smth funny that happened w me n frens with our personas or making ocs for my faves or ocs for me in general!

ur sketchbook doesnt have to look pretty its like ur diary but its art ykno! ur thoughts in visual form for the day! (again all up to u as long as u have fun! its all different 4 everyone!)

anw tysm again!! sorry if this was all over the place HAHSAW i tried my best but these r the tips i keep in mind most of the time or the ones i hold closest to me n that i try to apply as much as i cud! if u need anything else clarified just lmk! not the best w words but hopefully it helps :'')! most of the stuff i mentioned here i also need to take into practice HAHWHAW so mb its gud 4 me to write this down so i can finally push myself to do stuff,

[skyartworkzzz]

@auravs YO IDK WTF IS UP WITH TUMBLR BUT IT SOMEHOW DELETED UR ASK SO IM PINGING U TO ANSWER,,,

Heres my replies Ive tried more than 3456789 times sending, hope it didnt spam or smtng and the site was actually trolling me 😭:

OKAY SHIT FIRST OFF THANK U SO MUCH!! Rlly appreciate ur support,,! 😭💜

NOW, My Personal guide for begginer artists:

1. Try to copy arts u find online or even from medias u enjoy! (comics, cartoons and etc)

On each drawing u copy u will notice u have learned smtng new! So from there, try to draw an image by urself without any reference, and once u have an idea of how the artstyle u want works Personally, Id copy many anime images with similar art styles to then try and make pieces of my own!

NOW ITS IMPORTANT TO NOTE: it is not wrong to redraw images for PERSONAL and LEARNING purposes. What Would be wrong of u is to post it around claiming that You were the original creator of the image and not crediting the original one/the artist responsible for it

So as long as u aint stealing anyone's work, ure fine!

2. Use guidelines and shapes when drawing!

They are very important when beggining to understand anatomy! Ofc u dont have to draw All the lines detailed-ish, but at least to an extent in which u can see what is going on

So les say for example u want to draw a human body: u will have to understand that the top of the head is a circle, that the neck has a cone-ish shape, that the chest follows the form of a ribcage and so on It may vary from artist to artist, but if ure struggling to draw smtng specific, try seeing a shape on it to then make ur job easier! The body has to become a literal puzzle to ur eyes

However, I will advise u to plz not let these limit u. Indeed, as a begginer u have to learn how normal anatomy works, but its totally fine to change that depending on what artstyle u choose!

3. CONSISTENCY IS A SCAM!!!!

DO NOT WORRY IF UR ART DOESNT LOOK AS RECOGNIZABLE ON EVERY PIECE, I myself have only learned this recently and seen many other artists getting unmotivated cuz of this, but consistency truly does not exist. Whatever u do with ur art is nothing but ur RANGE. Its all the knowledge u have on it which makes u produce many pieces in different styles, and that is awesome!!

As an artist, u will always be learning smtng new, and what u learn cannot be un….learned (if that word exists IUSDNJKADLS) so its bound to show in ur work

4. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACT-

NEVER STOP DRAWING!!!! Like Ive said beforehand, u are ALWAYS learning smtng new!! Everything u draw is progress!

So no matter how bad u may think the things u do look, just remember that theyre likely looking MUCH better than the thing u drew yesterday

Art takes time to reach a level in which u feel comfortable and proud with how u do it, so its important to be patient and keep on practicing if u rlly want to get better at it!

Since u are a begginer, and if u have the time/motivation, Id suggest doing a doodle here and there to start picking up the habit to draw often. It is much easier to learn and less tedious once ure used to it and, ofc, enjoying it!

HOPE THESE ARE HELPFUL,,,, once again, they are based on my own experience thus far and some things I wish I knew back there………

AS FOR THE AU: ILL ANSWER THAT IN MY NEXT POST CUZ TUMBLR IS BEING A BITCH, amma ping u for my response if u dont mind so heads up,,,

[greensagephase]

ive stumbled across Nonviolent Communications and thought that it was gonna be like any other story, i ended up being so wrong. When i tell you i was absolutely blown away with how well written, structured, and paced the story was, you wouldn’t believe it. Your amazing writing skills left me reading anywhere. I am absolutely addicted to this and i am sitting at the edge of my seat to see what else you have planned for future chapters

i am so willing to create some fan art for you in regards of the story because its so good.

the amazing bits of fluff after long anticipation, the small little gestures, eventually getting close enough to share personal details with miguel o hara that eventually reciprocates the same things?? BROOOOOOOOO,,, 😭❤️❤️ Since things are so slow, its such a treat when they have they’re cute little moments.

All im saying is that this is the BEST Miguel O’Hara fanfic that I have ever taken the pleasure of reading. i am SOOOO STOKED FOR WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE IN STORE!!

Omg, THANK YOU!!! 😭 I'm so happy to see you've enjoyed Nonviolent Communication so far (and that it surpassed your expectations)! Thank you for the lovely words, seriously! I truly cherish your appreciation for this story's structure, pace, and quality. It means a lot to me as I always try my best with each part!!

I'm glad you're enjoying the fluffy bits!! It's been so much fun and like a treat, even for me, to write them, haha! It really is amazing to get more of those cute little moments, so I'm glad to see that you and other readers have enjoyed them so far after the slow build up. I seriously love seeing Miguel slowly opening up and reciprocating reader's openness! I hope you continue to enjoy them as the story progresses! Also, thank you again for your last statement!! There's so many amazing written works (and art!!) in this lovely community Miguel has created for us (another reason to love this man!!) and it truly means so much to me that you've deemed Nonviolent Communication the best. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

Regarding the fan art, THANK YOU!! ❤️🥹 I just saw it and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!! Miguel looks so freaking cute and soft🥺I truly appreciate you taking the time to draw such a lovely drawing for part 9. I feel so honored and I will never get over how talented and lovely artists actually took the time to draw for the story. Just thinking about it makes me feel emotional!!

THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH!!! I truly appreciate your fan art, kind words, and support ❤️ I truly hope you continue to enjoy the story, and hopefully hear back from you!! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!!

-Alondra

[jazzyblusnowflake]

Which brushes do you use for CSP 😳??

oh i always dreaded this question lmao-

ill be honest and clear cut with yall~

✨I have no idea✨

//wHEEze-

ok lemme explain, [tho if you dont wanna read all this just skip to the images in the end that i posted of my dumb self made and modified brushes] i have always used different mediums in my art~ ive used SAI, Gimp 2, CSP and occasionally Photoshop for the effects, filters and some brushes~ and i almost never remember where i downloaded them from because, first off, they were free anyway and i also almost always change them to fit my style beyond recognition to how they originally looked by default XDDD

MOST of my work is usually with SAI with almost the only brush i use in general for everything [ Inking, Coloring the edges, Shading, Lighting, and most other hand drawn shapes and hatching and etc ] is used with these settings. i never change it because i had years of experimenting to finally be comfortable with these and i will die a painful death if anything happens to my laptop before i could save these settings so i keep it in my art files just in case lmao~ [i do NOT like change and trying new stuff is2g i need therapy-]

HOWEVER when it comes to CSP i have had..... very depressing progress yay :D ... SAI in my experience has been a bit sucky in being able to handle large sizes and layers or anything else and having the possibility of crashing but the way it makes some things easy has been a MIRACLE for my lazy ass, i might have given up art before i ever even started if SAI didn't exist, but as how all EASY things usually are they start lacking in variety after a while, and i realized since one of my friends had bought me a CSP a long time ago, heck i might as well use it and oh my GOD the anxiety it induced ended me up with an IV and several trips to the hospital for injections to calm me down [and potentially temporarily blinding me] im not even joking. i mean yeah i was going through stuff back then that did NOT help my situation in general but the fact that CSP doubled my anxiety cuz i just couldn't draw with it made me have several existential breakdowns where i thought i will never be able to improve my art as a self proclaimed artist anymore because i had gotten so used to only working with what i found PERFECTLY comfortable to my own tastes that im just useless at getting used to anything else... so what happened was that i went on the most violent weekly spree of downloading any brush i could that even resembled REMOTELY to what i wanted- i also searched for brushes on tumblr or google or anywhere else- i watched so many CSP transition videos on youtube my brain was spinning and i was on a rout of self destructive agony to make this WORK. so now i have a bajillion downloaded brushes and all of them have spawned 20 other copies that i have aggressively modified beyond any sort of resemblance to what they used to be- it doesn't help that the file names and the brush names are different so i cant search for them either 😑

but if the brush names could help you in finding them uhhh, heres like.... 1/10th of the brushes i downloaded and modified that i actually did NOT go back and delete because they are fun to have around XD

have fun, //goes to cry in a corner-

[st4r5sh4rdzxx]

my website (neocities)

i realized i never talked about my website on here and i wanna change that, so here :)

i made it beginning in like march for a class because i basically just was interested in coding. because of all of my life, it always just seemed like some kind of magic. like how can you just type equations and the computer does all kinds of cools stuff?

granted i still dont fucking understand anything but im trying VERY hard. i researched python for a month and decided i was not getting anywhere because no matter how much time i spent dedicating myself to the tutorials, i still felt confused and lost, despite it being one of the easiest programming languages apparently.

so i went with html because hey ive seen people make their tumblrs look cool before so why not? it also feeds into my nostalgic interest for old web, back when the internet was free from corporate manipulation.

if ya wanna listen to me ramble on about coding more, read below the cut. and if you are desperate to share your site but have almost no one to share it with (like me :,D) feel free to reblog/reply with your url!

i think it's basic to assume that any built-by-hand website is going to be a work in progress- under construction, if you will. same with mine. for a project in a different class, i utilized my limited coding skillset to actually make a game, and i still dont understand how i did it. i just remember spending at least a few days zoning out in my school's library, a tutor or friend sitting in front of me who would remind me to eat and stand up and walk around a few times each day. it was exhibited in a gallery for a weekend and it was truly insane.

for some background, i myself am an artist, currently pursuing my bachelors degree and i work multidisciplinary. i've had stuff exhibited in shows since i was in high school, granted they were small, or free to enter youth art shows. at this time i had grown pretty accustomed to gallery nights and my anxiety about it waned. but this was the first time in several years that i was genuinely so nervous about people's reactions to my work. i kept creeping back to where my work was displayed, anxiously watching people react to my game. in my personal opinion, it feels somewhat self-centered to stay by your artwork on gallery night during group shows- and yet, here i was displaying this bad habit.

working on games and websites is something i never planned to do. its honestly exhilarating to come across this new interest i never had before. i feel that my art is now able to take a new direction that im seriously excited to continue doing :)

[toerrishumansodontbeone]

.

Everywhere else seems too shameful to share(though I did anyway) & elaborate on, because those places are full of legitimate knowledgeable pros/artists, but uhhhh,

so I think I want to become a tattoo artist?

But seeing as I am the person that I am, living in the place that I am, knowing the language as badly as I do and having the anxiety that I do that makes it appear even more basic, I don't think I really can go the traditional route of studio apprenticeships.

And the loud majority of studio tattooers will of course tell you to never ever how even dare you try to do ANY tattooing on your own!!!! To the point of actively discouraging even buying a machine at all, even just for practice skins. Just draw a lot and go spend 1-3 years in an unpaid grueling apprenticeship where maybe they'll let u do something in a year or so uwu (tho there are also ppl fighting the gatekeeping) ( n some apprentices Ive seen whove started doing serious practice within a few months)

But yea so,,, thats why tbh it feels embarrassing to even mention me wanting to, even though on the other hand thats also.... the way to put any sort of attention on you, to garner interest from prospective mentors and amass future clients....... but also god its nerve wrecking thinking some local pro is looking at my stuff with disdain and mockery.

It just sucks how much language is a barrier for me. I'm not confident enough to just barge in talking in english even if they prob know the language fine enough.

Ontop of that its kinda sad I had all this sustained motivation for several days in a row but then I made the mistake of posting some little designs online. Because I was excited about it I of course expected excitement back. A response! A showering of praise and acceptance!

But the need for social validation is a poisonous pit and it never gives back quite what you give it. I knew it would not give me the validation and would ruin things and make me doubt myself and still I was hopeful and wanted it to be different and maybe a little bit more like the old times,,,

Its so hard to keep up my own confidence, as essential as it is to human psychology. I cant even create those little wins to sustain any real growth in myself. I just keep regressing and becoming worse. Im a hermit but one that doesnt even have any real community to turn to even online..........ughhhhhhh.

This is a very unstructured ramble, but its felt so fruitless having all these thoughts clogging my brain and nobody to talk to about them.

I dont know. Now I suddenly got back into writing and making more significant progress on my story/possibly novella.

and inbetween I thought more and more of how tattoo artist is the antithesis of me. I cannot pull my own clients, I cannot talk to people and make them want to keep coming back for my company, I could not do the receptionist duties for an apprenticeship, I do not even have an appropriate space to tattoo if it ever came to that AND renting even v small offices is stupid expensive at first glance. So I could not start doing that without already having a steady stream of clients.

Tattooing feels like a level of responsibility I could handle, it feels like it would be an interesting new craft to explore, w techniques to master, a different kind of self expression........ but thats all idyllic theory. No career path really fits me and it comes back down again to me being so unable to change my social ineptitude. Its such a waste how I had some modicum of comfort and progress in that sphere my last few years in Latvia,, and it fell apart just because it was so unsustainable financially......... N now that Ive been comfortably settled for a while in austria, just being financially stable and comfortable isnt enough...

Insanely Ive been wondering if the economy has evened out some in LV that I could come back.......but theres no way I would even physically *survive* through some unpaid apprenticeship there.....

[onlychorus]

Depression is rotting my mind so badly…I don’t know how much of it is my period hormones or just this time of year… Either way, I can’t let it get to me. Not when Ive been making progress.

Things are looking up on the platforms. My work is getting more attention and my numbers are going up. I joined a mature art discord and the owner is a cool Japanese artist. Since it’s adult art though it has a decent amount of weird people…but everyone is nice. I hope to learn a lot from them.

I’ve been having this weird mentality that follower numbers = more self worth or idk validation for doing art. And I know it’s not true. I guess I just feel embarrassed at how long it���s been since I started and how little progress and growth I’ve had. Especially now that social media is even worse for content creators, I really fumbled it. Though I had a lot of setbacks… at the very least, my skill is improving and I’m getting some growth . I probably would have hit 1500 if I didn’t remove the bot accounts.

It’s still so lonely in life. I miss my friend every day. I’m supposed to be building myself up to put myself out there someday… but it feels so pointless. There’s so much to hide , to pretend . I feel so directionless and that’s what holds me back. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just want this all to end. What am I even looking forward to? How can I undo all of this? I feel so wrecked from all the depression. I may never be normal again.

All I can do is not make things worse for myself, prepare and look at for myself and my future, whatever the fuck it would be.

[whatifimnotevenbipolar]

I attract psychopathic men because their abuse feels like love.

My first boyfriends favourite part of me was how easily I cried when he raped me. How much I bled while he pounded his metal bed frame into the wall. How quickly his hands showed up on my skin long after he’d let go.

My second boyfriends favourite part of me was my age. The way he could grab my pigtails while he forced my head down onto his dick. My eagerness to please. To prove myself. I was so mature. I developed so well. I wasn’t like the other girls- thats why he hid me behind closed doors and only loved me in the confines of his blue car.

I loved the music he’d play. I kept his secrets so well.

My third boyfriend was a fucking rockstar. He was good to me. He knew my pain first hand- and he would never hurt me like that. We met at a party that changed my entire life. He went down on me on the counter of some tequila filled high-school bathroom- got down on his knees and swore his life to me. He almost got me arrested a week later.

I loved him. I loved the risk. But he loved drugs. And that was always gonna come before me.

But he got clean-

My fourth boyfriend was the love of my life. He loved me on Monday, hated me by Wednesday, asked me to marry him by Friday and wanted to kill me by Saturday. It was flowers and screaming and wedding rings and failed suicide attempts.

I loved him, more than I loved anything. I would’ve died for him.

I still would.

He left me on valentines day. He came to the house screaming and yelling about the FBI and the artists and whatever else came from his pressured speech.

I asked to take him to the hospital.

He told me to go fuck myself.

I went to my first rape therapy appointment on February 14th. The anniversary of the time my first boyfriend made my body his own.

He showed up, with flowers and a prescription in his hand. Begging for my forgiveness. Asking for me back. We went to a coffee shop and I felt like I was in a movie as I sat there listening to his abuse. Every waiter that walked by told me what a keeper he was. How sweet it was that he brought me flowers. What a perfect couple we were.

I couldn’t breathe.

I walked out and he paid for my coffee.

He threw that coffee back at me as we screamed and yelled in the street while all our neighbours watched and I begged him to let me leave.

He terrorized me for days. Showing up at my door. Ringing the doorbell. Thousands of texts and calls and dms on my phone. I didn’t feel real anymore. He took everything from me.

The girls in my house became my family that day. We had a system. We came together to lock and relock the doors. To check the windows. One of them made sure I ate. The other would close my blinds and turn off my lights. The other would sit up with me until 4 in the morning while I frantically cleaned and read audio books about abuse- trying to make sense of where I went wrong.

Every single night.

I had dreams that he was there. I screamed and cried in my sleep and the girls would show up with a key to my door and wake up with me to sit on my floor until I forgot.

I went to therapy and tried to cope but nothing worked and I fell into the arms of my fifth boyfriend.

He was older and unpredictable and we drank together and partied with my friends and his friends every weekend and it gave my something to look forward to- and we fucked, like I’ve never fucked anyone before and I wanted him so bad. I wanted him to like me. I wanted to impress him. We progressed so fast. He was the first one to know me the way I am now.

I like that he liked my hair straight, with no makeup and no clothes. I like that he’d tell me he loved me across a crowded club while he paid for my drinks. I like that he liked me fucked up and I liked that he would throw me in a car and not care if I lived or died because I didnt care if I lived or died either.

I was so happy. Ive never been that happy in my life.

And then I got the call.

My fourth boyfriend had been admitted into the psych ward. I was at work and I thought he was still in the ER so I told him I’d come by when I was done. It was late. It was dark. I bussed down to the hospital alone.

When I got there they sent me to the basement. I walked through the first door and it locked. I walked through the second and it locked too. It felt like some fucked up metaphor for our relationship because I was too far in and it was too late for me to get out.

A man in orange scrubs tried to take me down a third hall behind another set of doors that would lock. He was a patient. I always find that part funny because there was no staff. The lights would flicker on and off. If I went in there and died, no one would’ve found me for a while. When they did they’d call my emergency contact- except my emergency contact was locked up there too.

They gave me a little piece of paper with his room number. I went in and he was in ruins. Rambling about his book that looked like something you’d see in a horror movie. Crying on the phone to his mom. Calling me the name of a god.

I was so scared. So alone.

I talked to the one social worker in the building. I told them about his drug use. About his abuse. His history that they didnt have. He told me he was glad we talked- because they were gonna let him out.

I got him back in bed and I left and I sent the 911 text to the girls so they’d pick me up and I couldn’t breathe until I got out and I cried all night while I washed and rewashed our clean dishes.

I seen him every day. He yelled and he screamed and he called me a whore and he broke me down until there was nothing left and we werent even together but I did it anyways because I loved him and-

I couldnt not be there.

He asked me why I was there and I told him he was my number one priority.

He told me I was his third- after his book of delusions and drugs.

I was sitting there giving him everything- and I still wasn’t more important to him than drugs.

He’s just like my daddy.

But I took it anyways, and I treated him with nothing but love and I did everything I could to facilitate his care because it didn’t feel like anyone knew him the way I did.

I quit work and school. My world stopped for him.

I would go in at 12pm and leave at 8.

I would go home, shower, fall to the floor, balling until I could breathe again.

And I would get out.

And I would dry my hair.

And my fifth would be waiting outside.

And I played the role of a girl who never had any of this happen to her.

And I played it so well.

I was happy, easy.

He would leave and I’d go through my routine of locking the doors and praying with the girls.

Then I’d do it all again.

Until friday.

We followed a different routine and I would eat and laugh and get ready. We’d listen to music and party and go out and i’d be happy. I’d forget.

We’d meet the boys and we’d go home with them and so much would happen that whatever happened inside the hospital didnt matter.

We’d do it all again on saturday but better because we were ready.

I was so happy.

Every sunday we went out to breakfast.

On monday I’d go back to the hospital.

What medication should we put him on? ‘You’re a slut.’ He’s praying by the trees. ‘I want to leave.’ The book- ‘i fucking hate you’

After a month they let him out.

I tried to leave him while he was still locked up because I was so scared of him but he talked me out of it and I cried all night so hard I bruised my own eyes.

Because I knew if I didnt leave him then- I never would.

My fifth loved me more than he ever had and I drowned my self in a bottle of tequila and he numbed my lips with the taste of cocaine and I stayed up all night. I woke up to fresh bruises on my neck and burst blood vessels around my eyes.

‘Tap my hand if you want me to stop’

‘Aw you wanna breathe? Thats cute’

I loved the way he wanted me to die.

When I seen him for the last time I asked him not to hurt me.

‘What if I do it anyways’

‘Please dont’

He promised me he wouldn’t.

We had sex and it didn’t feel like it usually did. It hurt and I pulled back and he grabbed my neck with both hands and pressed 210lbs of weight against my throat and squeezed.

I cant see.

He stops.

I try to move.

He starts again.

I cant feel my arms or my legs and it spreads into my belly and he’s slamming his dick into my cervix and I feel the warmth as the blood spreads between his thighs and mine.

I cant see. I can’t breathe. I cant feel anything.

I grab his wrists and push against him as hard as I can but hes too big and im not strong enough and I cant stop him.

I don’t remember him stopping. I just remember the ringing in my ears and the way it reminded me of that one time in the dorms- and his muffled apologies and me trying to get him to leave.

I get shoved in a car. My fourth is across the street from my house. Standing. Waiting. Im sobbing.

Im in the hospital and my fourth is my emergency contact and I should change it but I don’t and it doesn’t matter anyways because he doesn’t pick up.

They put me in the same room they put him in- alone.

I don’t feel sad, I dont feel anything.

My girl shows up eventually and we laugh and the male doctor makes notes about how wrong that is.

They fill me with ink and put me in a machine that burns my flesh- to punish me, as if I haven’t been through enough pain already.

‘Aggravated sexual assault causing bodily harm’

‘Damage to the internal tissue’

‘Bust blood vessels around the eyes’

‘Low blood pressure and heart palpitations above normal range’

We leave at midnight and my uber drivers name is Anthony.

I dont remember anything after this for a while. My life ended that night but somehow im still here.

Im so mad at him because he should’ve killed me but he didn’t.

I blame my fourth. I know I shouldn’t but if he had just loved me the way he was supposed to it never wouldve happened.

I can’t be there. I see him every time I’m outside. In the clubs. In the streets. Every black car. My fourth is there but he doesn’t feel like him- he doesn’t feel safe anymore and I don’t trust him. I don’t have anyone. I don’t have anywhere to go.

I move to toronto and I get assaulted as my new pass-time so I can convince myself that what they did to me was okay.

They make me feel special. The club owners and promotors, the vip lines and booths. The lights the bottles the music the boys.

Their hands under my dress- their dicks down my throat- the light of their phones in my face. Im a movie star. I do it for money so doing it for free can’t be that bad.

I feel disgusting and I hate myself but it doesn’t feel that bad when you soak it in a bottle and muffle it under a second hand bump.

I do okay when everyones around.

But then everyone leaves.

And I see his face and I feel his hands and I cant swallow but no ones there so I feel like im crazy.

I try to get off and I think of that night when he was talking in my ear while I came. His hands on my neck, his tongue on my-

And I feel fucking disgusting for getting off to the thought of the man who raped me.

But its not by choice.

He didnt rape me all the time. He wasn’t always bad.

I close my eyes and I can hear my fourth screaming at me in the middle of the night with my wrists in his hand forcing me to show him the product of his abuse.

The night when I left in the woods.

He blocked me in the room.

The night when I tried to kill myself and the girls were screaming and slamming their fists against my room- but I couldn’t get up to reach the door.

I never told anyone about that.

I was so happy.

‘I fucking hate you’

‘I’ll kill myself right now’

He slapped me so hard across the face I heard the stars. He did it again when I was getting ready for the club and I couldnt even remember it until he told me and now i cant forget it.

It makes me wonder what else I forgot.

It makes me wonder if thats the reason I turned to the bar to help me heal.

It felt like I was taking back something he took from me.

I lost my sobriety in the process- and I’m not ready to get it back.

I see everything in these flashes. All at once, like a movie. I decided I needed to forget.

I can’t forget the night he left. That one was the worst. I was so wet. Tears. Coffee. I couldn’t move. They put me in the shower.

The door bell rang.

I couldn’t get out-

I leaned on my third when things got bad. All the tests and the blood and the scans were too much for me. The night it got bad- instead of cutting myself I got a tattoo. He met me at CAMH- he passed me a beer and lit me a cig and took my hand without saying a word. He told me he had something to show me and he took me to a roof lit up with lights. He played Lana Del Rey and we talked and laughed and he listened to me cry about 5 and he went down on me and when I tried to fuck he said no.

‘You’re not ready’

‘Its okay’

He hopped a plane and left to go on tour the next day.

I left for a while too. And I felt okay. I got to forget, but it can’t stay like that forever.

I wish it could.

For now I’m not going to work. Im not going to push. I push myself so much all the time I lose the severity of what I went through. This is barely a piece of it. A trailer to a really fucked up show I don’t want to be apart of.

Some sick part of me really does.

I want it so bad I can’t breathe when you pause.

I need it.

I am it.

I’ve been in my pajamas. Showered. Pumped full of no name xanax. Candles. Juice boxes. American horror story.

Trying to heal, rest, forget.

For the first time since it happened.

Its like the happiest depression I’ve ever had.

This is my favourite part of me.